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2002-04-04 (Thursday) - 11:45 p.m. I turned 25 today and I guess I’m going to believe that’s a good thing. To be sure, it does make me feel old but all my life I was either going to turn 25 on April 4, 2002 or die before that date. I am glad the former happened. Celebrations were modest for me this year. Last week I visited my parents for Easter and we had a mini-celebration there with Carrot Cake and presents. When I got back to Chicago on Monday a package had arrived for me with even more presents. None of the gifts were very big or flashy but they were all nice, heartfelt and appreciated. They ranged from a Mickey Mouse notepad –"Wow! There’s Lots to Do,” says Mickey- to new light jacket, with a Rubik's head of Homer thrown in for good measure. There were also cards from dad, mom, Fred and some aunts, uncles and grandparents. All were appreciated but none more than Fred’s. My mom also called me this morning to wish me a happy birthday and although I missed that call, I did talk to both of my parents tonight. I didn’t tell anybody at work that it was my birthday but I did bring in all the equipment to blow bubbles. Only BBS saw me leaving bottles on each desk and the only other person to ask me if I had brought them in was the balloon tosser, but then she had a pretty good hint when yesterday, while wavering on whether or not to bring in the bubbles that I purchased in Cadillac, I asked her if she liked blowing bubbles. (She said yes.) Other than that, I didn’t do anything differently certainly didn’t tell anybody. In fact the existence of my birthday would have completely slipped under the radar were not for couple of birthday cards, including the one from Fred, arriving in the mail. BBS saw the colorful envelope and the return addresses with the name Holmquist, the other card was from my dad, and said she asked me if I had a birthday coming up. I said yes and then, after the obvious follow up question, said my birthday was April 4. the balloon tosser and another woman who I shall call IC were present when I said this and three wished me a happy birthday. I tend to think they didn’t tell anybody else about my birthday because no individual not present at this moment acknowledged my birthday. I didn’t tell anybody there that April 4 was my birthday because I wanted to see if the two people, the balloon tosser and BBS, who had been told when I birthday was on at least a couple of occasions would remember. I didn’t think they would and I’m not mad they didn’t. Still it would have been very touchy to me if they had and I probably would have been made happy beyond belief. But perhaps that isn’t to next year. In the life that does exist, the balloon tosser, IC and I went out after work for mini-celebration. That was fun. One interesting thing that the balloon tosser told me was that she was “jealous of my intellect for a long time.” It wasn’t the first time I’d heard a comment like that but it still surprises and baffles me. I can’t imagine wanting to be me because my life seems relatively joyless and difficult and I regularly engage in self-destructive. the balloon tosser, on the other had, from my estimation is intelligent, creative, witty, beautiful and, most importantly, good around people and others seem to respond in kind. I wish I had that but I have to settle for the life and skills I do have. One thing the balloon tosser did say was that intellect is my gift, just as a model has the gift of good looks. I kind of like how that sounds. Not telling the people at work that today was my birthday was a similar tactic to what I’ve been doing with thealchemist. About a month and a half ago I began to suspect that she really didn’t care about me because it seemed like I was putting all the effort into the friendship while thealchemist only responded positively when she didn’t have anything better to do. And so I decided to stop engaging thealchemist. I have not pushed her away since then but neither have I called her up, made plans with and then acted apologetic for even existing if she cancelled, as she regularly has done with me. The result has been the two of us not talking at all, which in my mind does say she doesn’t care about me or at least doesn’t care enough to put any effort into the friendship. I don’t need that and I don’t want to even think a person who feels that way is my friend so while the results have been all I hoped for, I’m glad I know what they are. Much like if the balloon tosser or BBS had remembered I was born on April 4, a call from thealchemist would have made me very happy but it didn’t happen and probably won’t happen. For a chance at that joy and gaining that knowledge I had to take a risk. I still think thealchemist is a wonderful person and I wish her the best but I’m happy I acted the way I did. I now know that she didn’t place much importance on a friendship with me even if I did consider her my best friend. FWIW, I didn’t have any illusions that I held a similar stature in her life but up till February I did think I mattered to her. If I ever do say something to her, I would probably say I’m really happy that we were friends for a little while. I have doubts if I would have not called thealchemist a year ago. I would have planned on doing it but execution would be another matter altogether. This isn’t the only area where I believe I’ve made changes for the better since last year. Twelve months ago I was abusive to my self –through violence and binge eating- on a daily basis. Now I still occasionally engage in such activities but the frequency is way down. In the last year I believe I’ve lost a little weight and gained a whole set of wonderful skills and experiences. I still mess up a lot so there is plenty of room for improvement but I probably won’t conquer all my demons. What I need to do is just prevent them from keeping me from accomplishing my goals. (Today, in an email, I rhetorically aksed my dad, "isn't a good goal really a wish that can reasonably be obtained?" I’ve also made a lot of friends and gone through some emotional stormy times that have lead to losing more than one friend but in other cases have only solidified connections. I don’t hate myself for losing certain friends but rather have largely accepted what has happened and moved on. In my mind that takes a degree of confidence and internal strength I didn’t regularly show a year ago, and if I had it at all, it was buried deep inside. All of these developments have allowed me to grow as person and right now I think growing as a person is the closest thing to a personal meaning that can exist in life. (Or maybe I’ve just been talking with the balloon tosser too much.) If I grow this much every year from now, my life will be more than worth living. At the risk of sounding conceited, for all of the things listed above I like myself more now than I did a year ago. Just so everybodys clear, to quote Steve Earle, "I feel Alright." email me if you care to,
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