2001-12-21 (Friday) - 8:45 a.m.

Sometimes you think that you feel something before you do. And sometimes you act on that feeling and "know" that feeling before you should or it really is.

I know this is all way too general and lacks any details but I guess, since it does not appear that all that many people read this log regularly, that I am just saying what I want to say and feel a need to say or something.

A little more than 9 months ago, a semi-estranged friend of mine -who will be called Adrian- asked me, "what's worse--feeling like nobody's going to care about you in the first place, so never giving them a chance, or being sure  (POSITIVE) that you're embarking on a great relationship only to find out that that person can kiss you goodbye one evening, ask if they can call you from work tomorrow, and just dropping off the face of the earth,  forgetting you ever happened?"

Not everthing that she said actually happened but the feelings are the same and I have to say that for the first time in my life I think I can see what she is saying.

Maybe the best way to sum my feelings right now is to say that I am not angry or really bitter. I am very confused and disgusted with myself. And, for the first time since early November, I am feeling suicidal.

Still I am going to try to believe that I will make it through this, if only to give me a reason to live.

email me if you care to,
micah
 
 

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